Oh, · it · was · just · to · see, · just · to · see

this thing with tom sucks so hard. when i hear that he's coming in to work i get this horrible knot in my throat and stomach. i feel gross just seeing him. he was there today. i had a panic attack.
i found out just a little after seeing him that a friend i used to work with died this morning in a motorcycle accident in walnut creek. i had another attack.
i'm worn out.
i hate dudes.
i hate death.
i hate.

i was just reading old lj posts. lots were embarassing and i encourage you not to look for your own sake. this post, however, made me crack up...

"so i saw this show about tapeworms and i think i have one. i cant tell if its the show... or actual symptoms. bleh. either way, i named it kenny."

awesome.

so the following story is what happened during the bart ride home from work tonight...
to begin, i arrived at the station to watch my train departing. so i had to sit and wait 20 min for my train to come again. oh sunday schedules. i get on the train finally and take my seat. a man then sat next to me and started talking to me. i look over to see that he is covered in dirt... and then get a whiff of the earthy stench emanating from his body. he's reading an old decrepit book that keeps falling apart into my lap... which causes him to keep touching my thigh to pick it up. as we enter the tunnel under the bay, i hear people behind me... "no sorry", "i don't, sorry". i look into the aisle... what do i see....... a man with no legs past his knees, walking through asking for money... his pant legs dragging behind him. we arrived at 19th street oakland where i had to switch trains and board the one bound for richmond. i get on this train and someone is playing a battery operated keyboard. i sit down and try to just block it out. a man walks up and asks if he can sit down. i of course say yes... look up at him... he has gauze over one eye and its yellowish. he sits down and i realize just after we take off, that he smells strongly of fish. i try to block this out as well. he then proceeds to pull porn he's just bought out of his bag. he just sits there for the rest of the ride looking at the dvd cover. my story doesn't end there. i hear this woman behind me walking up the aisle yelling "help me!! somebody needs to help me!!" i look back and it's not a woman at all. it's a grown man. and by grown, i mean he had that disease that makes you grow and you don't stop. the one abe lincoln had. he's too tall for bart and is ducking slightly. and his hands were enormous. i have never seen anything like it. his fingers were just so long. he's all super skinny and tall and wearing a trench coat and hes yelling for people to give him money. the crazy keyboard sounds in the back of the train added to the whole circus feel. it's like i dropped into a david lynch movie. when i got off at my stop i didn't know whether to cry or throw up. all i know is i'll be having nightmares tonight.

ugh... so... i'm gonna be kinda vague in this entry so that those who don't know what's going on will continue in the dark. i'm super stoked on the dude. which sucks cause nothing will come of it. but it also sucks because it's given me issues that have been dormant for years. it has gotten to its worst point tonight i think. i'm literally wearing myself down. blah. this issue has in turn led to other issues which are super upsetting. i've made some shitty mistakes and i'm feeling way lame about it. blah again. i just want this show to be over, i want it all to end. ick. we're all conditioned to hate ourselves if we don't fit into a certain mold, and it pisses me off that i go there. i know i'm more intelligent than that. i can see where i am from an outside standpoint, but i'm still here at this fucking low point. it also doesn't help that this saga is punctuated by shittiness in my job. ugh. and that everybody i'm having issues with works there.
anyways... the afi show was so great. i had an absolute blast. everyone in the crowd new all the words. the best part was that i new people in the bands/crowd so it was just like a big hangout of friends rocking out to friends bands. i haven't gone off like that since the last afi show i was at almost 3 years ago. i really liked dispute. the singer had funny banter.
i'm stoked about the jetboy/vin rouge show tomorrow. i'm getting less and less excited about dressing up all 80's. it was funny to think about, but now i kinda just wanna be hot. haha. well, people are expecting something great and i don't want to disappoint... but i also don't want to be a ridiculous spectacle. we'll see how i feel about it tomorrow.
i'm so low on money right now it sucks. i have to borrow from the folks AGAIN! when will it end? time for something new i feel. i am very rapidly burning my bridges at guitar center and need to find something soon.
i suppose that's all.

i am way too excited to move to berkeley. i'm officially a resident this friday. packing is ridiculous. i just throw a bunch of shit in a box and hope to go through it later. i might just end up throwing loads of shit out. i should just put everything small and useless in a box and throw it out without looking inside. that way i won't miss anything. this whole moving thing is way too thinky for me. i don't really know what's going on.
so here are the major highlights of east bay living...
- living with mel
- living less than a block away from alison/shane
- living 3 blocks away from amazing friiieeench toooaast and other vegan goodies
- having almost all my friends on the same side of the bridge
- the sailboat sticker on the window
pretty much, the batcave is gonna rule.
also... i really wish i didnt delete alison's voldemort pic. damnit!

so i was just cutting my boss' hair (douche)... and he brought a coworker with him so that he wasnt alone with me in my house.... coworker (knob). so i was listening to why? and they were talking about how they couldnt believe this band had a deal, and they were completely lacking musical talent.... flash forward 2 minutes...

knob: "so i went to this private disturbed concert, it was invite only."

douche: "that is a rad band. that first album 'down with the sickness' was so good."

knob: "oh yeah it was a great show. they started by saying, 'this set is for anyone whos sick of the whiny pussies in tight blazers.' that one really hit home."

i told them that conversation was not allowed in my kitchen. i hate guitar center. the whole company is one big jocky fart joke.

indy was a lot of fun. definitely just what i needed. i'm trying to go back in 3 weeks for ashely and jimmy's wedding. that'll be fun. it was really good seeing all those people. i miss my friends and family so much. my dog has gotten even cuter and sweeter i think. so what do i get people who are getting married? that's a whole different life from me. i was at their house and they were all excited about the new spice rack. since when did my friends become adults? i'm glad to be home though. it was so nice to sleep in my bed. when i'm away from there for a while i miss it so much and want to move back, but being there made me realize that's the worst thing to do. i love it there and the people are great... but my adhd kicks in and i get bored so easily. i guess i've lost my creativity.
things i'm excited for:
death guild
sisters of mercy
dinner with cher
jimmy and ashley's wedding
being over my rut
leaving work right now
the end.

I confess that in 2005 I...

( ) stayed single the whole year.
( ) got your first kiss
(x) kissed someone new
( ) made-out for the first time
( ) made-out in/on a car
( ) kissed in the snow
( ) kissed in the rain
(x) fell in love
( ) fell in love with a fool
(xxxxxx) had your heart broken
( ) broke someone else's heart
( ) had a stalker
(x) had(have) a good relationship with someone..friends?
( ) questioned your sexual orientation
( ) came out of the closet
( ) gotten married
( ) had a divorce
( ) had a gay marriage
( ) kissed someone of the same sex
(x) dated someone you'll never forget
( ) done something you've regretted
( ) lost your true love
(xxxxxxxxxxxxxx) lost faith in love
( ) kissed under miseltoe

WORK/SCHOOL
(x) got a promotion
(x) got a pay raise
(x) changed jobs
( ) lost your job
(x) quit your job
( ) dated a co-worker
( ) dated your boss
( ) dated your boss' daughter/son
( ) got fired from your job
( ) got straight A's
( ) met one teacher you really like
( ) met one teacher you really hated
( ) found the subject you love
( ) dropped a class
( ) cut class
( ) skipped school
( ) got into an argument with a classmate
( ) did something you were proud of
( ) discovered a new talent
( ) gave the teachers a reason to teach
( ) proved yourself an idiot
( ) embarassed yourself in front of the class
( ) fell in love with a teacher
( ) got a lead in the school play
( ) made a varsity team
( ) were involved in something you'll never forget
( ) got sent to the office

OTHER
( ) painted a picture
( ) wrote a song
( ) ran a mile
(x) listened to music you couldn't stand
(x) double-dipped
(x) went to a sleepover
( ) went to a campground
( ) threw a surprise party
(x) laughed till you cried
( ) laughed till you peed in your pants
(x) flirted shamelessly
( ) visited a foreign country
( ) visted a foreign state
( )cooked a disasterous meal
(x) lost something important to you
(x)got a gift you adore
(x) realized something new about yourself
( ) went on a diet
( ) tried to gain weight
(x) tried to lose weight
(x) dyed your hair
( ) came close to losing your life
( ) someone close to you died
(x) went to a party
( ) drank alchohol
( ) drank alchohol underage
( ) did drug(s)
( ) got drunk
( ) got arrested
(x) read a great book
(x) saw a great movie
( ) saw a movie so scary that it made you cry
(x) saw your favorite band/artist live
(x) saw someone famous in person
( ) did something you want to tell everyone
( )Enjoyed this year overall